It's Kind of a Relief.

I met him through shared interests.  He told me a lot of stories from his past that made me pity him.  And he was so sweet and so kind to me.  When we first started dating, he brought flowers to my work unexpectedly.  Like I came into my work space and there were flowers on my station and I was like, "Where did these come from," and everyone else was like, "Some guy brought them in for you!"  And I was like, "No guys, really, whose are these?"  And they described the person that had brought the flowers and I was like "Oh, okay!"

And he was just so, I don't know. He was a completely different person.  And I guess that's the way that it goes, because you build up this expectation in your mind of, "This is what this person is," and then when things get bad, you always think, "That person will come back, and they will be that way again."  And the way that your mind sees them is as the person that they were when you first started dating them.  But it's obviously not the case.

When things start to get bad, they make you think that you made them that way.  You were the one that made them this crazy, and that's why they were acting "that way."

And I think for a while, even after we had broken up, I was still unsure if maybe the issue still was me, when it wasn't.  And I think that is something that follows you.  There are a lot of things that happened within our relationship that have messed certain things for me.  There are things that I can't do anymore because I just feel uncomfortable because of the things that had happened within our relationship.  Even my now-fiance will do things and I will just cringe and I feel so bad because I'm like, it's not you, it just reminds me of times that I had before when I didn't feel safe.

Sometimes I even feel weird telling my fiance things I'm about to do because I feel like he's going to judge me.  Even today, I was feeling weird like, "Is he going to think I'm weird because I'm going to go talk about something and get my pictures taken?"  And it's's stupid.  It's a stupid thing to think.  But I know it's because of how I was so judged on whatever I would do, I felt like everything I did I had to be validated and cool.  And it's dumb because the person that you're with, you should never feel that way.  You should never feel like you have to have validation from them.  You should feel like they love you no matter who you are, and that's not how I ever felt before.  I always felt like I had to be someone that I wasn't.  And that was really difficult for me.

And even now I find the other night I wanted to go try out for roller derby.  And my fiance asked what I was doing that night and I was like "Ehh, is he going to think that I'm dumb?"  I don't know.   It's stupid to feel that way because when someone loves you, they love you.  And it doesn't even matter.

What I've really come to peace with, at the end of all the time that I spent with my ex, is that he never really did love me.  That the person he saw me as was more like a trophy and someone to manipulate and control.  So I felt like in the end, that's really what it was.

When I was younger, I just wanted to fit in.  Now if someone was to treat me that way, I would be like, "Fuck you dude!  I don't want that!"

At the end of the day I just felt like I wasn't good enough.  He would make everything about why we weren't together my fault.  He told me I had to get on medication, that if I got on medication we would work out.  Basically that it was a chemical imbalance on my behalf that was causing us to have all these problems.  And for a while I believed it, and...just the years of everything piling up, I just always felt like it was me.  At that point, I did not go see a doctor or get on medication, because I was just like, I'm not the problem.

I remember one of the last conversations that we had while we were dating, he told me he didn't even find me attractive.  He told me that all of his friends said I wasn't the prettiest girl he had slept with and he told me that on a good day I was a 7 but that I would never be a 10.  And that made me really sad.  I know it's superficial, but the person that you're dating should think you're beautiful.  I would be home all day doing work and when I knew he was coming home from work I would do my hair and makeup because I felt like if he came home and I wasn't done up, he wouldn't like me.  Because he made comments about that kind of stuff.  So it was really hard fiance now, on any day, is like,  "You're so beautiful."  It's just black and white.  Comparing now to then, I just realize how messed up everything was.  But when you're in it, you can't see it.

The last time I talked to him, he was yelling at me via text saying I was trying to ruin his life because some of the lies he had told had caught up with him.  And I remember telling him something along the lines of, "There is nothing inherently good about you, there is nothing good in your soul."  And he said something where he tried to deny it all but he never tried to speak to me again. And I think he never tried to speak to me again because at that point he knew that there was nothing left.  That I wasn't going to be suckered into anything anymore.  That it was just done.  He never tried to talk to me again after that.  And it's kind of a freeing thing.  It took me a long to get to that point, where I never had to talk to him.  And I don't feel bad about that, it's kind of like a relief.

When I met my fiance is when I was fully able to put all of that to the side.  He is just so kind and loving and accepting, I can't even explain it.  Every day is just...easy.  I don't have to sit there and try to be someone that I'm not.  And like, I'm a weird person.  I do quirky, weird things.  And I've never felt comfortable to be myself with someone before now.

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